Remember, these questions are intended to guide your reflection on your relationships. You don’t have to answer all of them. They are meant to serve as a starting point for your journaling, especially if you’re unsure where to begin. The goal is to help you articulate and understand the role and impact of your relationships in your life.
Easy
Uncomfortable
Fucking Brutal
Alright, we’re gonna talk about relationships now?
Relationships.
Okay, hit it. What do we got?
Think about all relationships. You might default to spousal, but there are friendships, there are professional relationships. “What are some of the things that you value in relationships? What are the kind of things that you look for? Maybe meaningful interactions that you’ve had in relationships? Relationship maintenance. How do you treat your friends? How do you keep those positive relationships going?” Flip side to that, “What are some challenges that come up in relationships? What do the relationships mean to you?” And this is where we get into more of the meatier, more of the emotional stuff, like, “What’s important about the relationships? Why do you value them? What do they do for you?”
Tough stuff. Dealing with other people is the quintessential human struggle, right? As you define who you are as a person, some people are extroverted, some people are introverted, and some people are analytical. Some people are butterfly chasers. It’s difficult to have relationships with people moving forward. And as you grow older, as we’ve grown older, we’ve learned a lot of lessons from that, how to deal with coworkers, spouses, friends and family. One thing I could immediately think of is, over the last couple years post covid and health issues and getting into my fifties, is I’ve really just eradicated a group of people out of my life because they weren’t giving me what I needed to move forward, and I’ve already actually already made a video for my kids about this, which is, the people in your life who are dragging you down and that it’s really important that you cut them out. It’s gonna be uncomfortable. That’s a really great conversation to have with your kids. Now, or in these videos or audios you make because that’s one of the things that can change their lives.
I want to quickly revisit something I brought up back in the finances segment, which is, you really need to be intentional and thoughtful about what you say here in regards to especially a spousal relationship. I know there are things I’m gonna wanna say to my kids about my relationship with my wife but I don’t know how I’m gonna say that yet. And that’s why I think this is one of the most difficult, if not the most difficult module of this entire thing is, if you have a husband or a wife, this is where it could get really challenging.
If I was making a video like that, I would look into the camera and I would say to my spouse, I’d say, “Hey, look, I didn’t make this for you. I might be gone, but I made this for our kids. So I’m just gonna tell you right now. Just stop watching. I’m gonna say some stuff to our kids and it’s up to them if they do or they don’t. I’ll be dead.”
But you may not, whenever your kids see it, you may not. So just be and thoughtful about it and realize that that is a possibility.
So if you’re good with that, that’s the quick version. We’re gonna go a little bit more in depth with that on the rest of this video. So if you’re good, go do it.
All right. Let’s get a little bit deeper into this.
There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship, is there? Let’s let you off the hook here. You’re not expected to share perfection in your relationships. They’re all gonna have problems. Like, that’s an assumption. Let’s let you off the hook.
You may never be comfortable sharing the deep, dark secret secrets of the regrets or the terrible things you’ve done in your relationship. But maybe you are. I mean, heck, you could be making these videos right now on your deathbed. You could have gotten a terrible diagnosis and have two weeks left to live, and you spend a bunch of hours making these videos or these audios. You could be doing this when you’re 25 years old, I don’t know. But if you have the difficult conversations with yourself and give the advice that you hope that you could pass on to them, that’s gonna help them down the road. This is all about helping them and helping them have a better path, a better journey through life through your experiences. That’s the legacy.
If you’re gonna run a marathon, you don’t start by running 22 miles. You start and you gradually build up. So, because this is such an emotionally challenging topic, let’s take a look at some of the easier questions that’ll sort of build your muscles.
Are there gonna be easy questions here? Really?
Well, there might be. They’re less personal, like, “What qualities do you value most in friendships and relationships?” So you can almost talk abstractly about your relationships in that way, or a memorable event or experience you have with a friend or a loved one. That could be a really sort of fun, uplifting one. These are the easier ones. Let’s move up though, or down, however you wanna look at it. “How do you navigate challenging relationships? What do you do when it’s not working? What strategies have you found that are effective in resolving misunderstandings or not?” Now we’re getting into a little more emotionally volatile territory here. Then, fucking brutal. I’m not one of those people, I can honestly say this. I’m with the woman I’m supposed to be with, but there are people who have the “one that got away.” And, and if you’re one of those people, this could be really digging deep for you. “Reflect on a relationship that profoundly impacted your life and how did it shape who you are? A relationship you wish you had handled differently?” We all have those no matter, no matter who we’re with. And, “Most important lessons that you’d like to pass on to your children or future generations?” Don’t shy away from the tough stuff. I mean, if you’ve gone through a bitter divorce, maybe your kids need to hear—not your dirty laundry—but maybe they need to hear how you process that, how you manage it, how you survived it. That’s important stuff.
They need to hear that because it’s gonna help them. So tell stories. Here’s a real good interview tactic for yourself. We give you the prompt. Imagine an interviewer asks you that question and just answer the question. This is a great way to write a book. Just answer questions about what you know a lot about. If you’re writing a memoir, write your life. Look into the camera and go, “You know what? When mom and I got divorced here’s what went through my mind and here’s what I want to communicate to you about what happened that year.” Maybe there’s a story there that you’re gonna tell about how you caused the divorce that you wanna say to your kids like, “I know I’ve told you this a thousand times. It wasn’t you, but I really meant it. Here’s how I fucked up.” I’m not getting divorced. I’m just saying this is a conversation that you should have with them, that’s gonna help them because, damnit, in 30 years, if you’re not around and they’re going through the same thing, they can easily pull this up and go, “You know what, I’m gonna watch that again what dad said about how he ruined his relationship with mom and maybe I won’t make that same fucking mistake.” That’s power. That’s power in you taking, I’m sorry, five minutes of your life and putting it down on an audio or video file for them to have that could change their entire life. That’s your why. That’s why you’ll get uncomfortable and that’s why you’ll do this.
Family patterns are called patterns for a reason. So this is your opportunity to break some of those bad patterns.
That’s a great point. Talk about how you grew up, the relationship you had with your parents or they had together and what you viewed and your lessons that you learned from watching them, and then how you did it the right way or the things you did the wrong way. This is a really down and dirty, difficult section, but this goes way more past the trauma, the physical stuff, the financial stuff. This goes into pretty much how the rest of their lives could go, how the relationships they have with their spouse and and everything else. It’s pretty deep and it’s very powerful.
I know we’ve said that you can obviously pick and choose which ones you wanna do, but I feel like in my opinion, this one and the next one are must-dos. I feel like you gotta do these at some level. You gotta just dig in and do it.
And again, get uncomfortable with it. I would just say this, that J. said, if you don’t wanna really talk about the down secrets of your relationships and things that you did, then don’t do it. Just stay on the surface stuff, but do something. There’s gotta be some point in your life where you’ve had a relationship with a coworker that was terrible, that really changed your whole career trajectory or your life, or you said something to somebody at some point in college that messed something up, or said something to your spouse that caused a problem. There’s something there. Just talk about it. You don’t have to figure out ahead of time. Turn the camera on, start talking. If the video’s 10 minutes long and only 30 seconds of it are powerful, then fine.
We got one more to do. You ready? Let’s do it.